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Thursday 26 April 2012

Leveson Inquiry: The Tale of Mr Murdoch

If you have been living under a stone, in a cave, on a planet far, far away, you may not have heard of the Leveson Inquiry. If you have been doing all those things you are clearly a very odd person and I'm not sure I want to address my remarks to you so, let's assume that you have heard of the Leveson Inquiry.

Today and yesterday the star witness was Mr Rupert Murdoch octagenarian antipodean and bazillionaire.

The transcript of his evidence session will be posted shortly on the Leveson inquiry website, but if you really can't wait I've posted my own version, that I just totally made up, below:

Counsel to the Leveson Inquiry (QC): Good morning Mr Murdoch. Thank you for attending. Would you like to make an opening statement?

Rupert Murdoch (RM): Well that's very kind of you young man. I do so enjoy these little trips, sometimes we go to see the ducks in the park, but not on a Tuesday. No. Tuesdays the vicar comes. Terrible man, dreadful bore. He might be a pervert. You can never tell. In days gone by some Sunday newspaper would have done him over but they're all in the doldrums these days. It's very sad. I know they say there was some rum stuff going on with secret tape recorders and whatnot, all that kind of thing, you know? They make it out to be worse than it was sometimes I think because they are jealous, especially the BBC.

No, not really. That was a joke. I always was interested in the BBC, but merely as an issue of the day, do you see? There was never anymore in it than that. I knew I was wasting my time anyway, everyone likes Richard Attenborough better than me. Sit around with a few mangy gorillas and you're a national hero, crush the print unions, all of a sudden you're a bad guy.

But that's how the cookie crumbles I guess. All those Prime Ministers, Blair, Thatcher, Asquith and so on, we were never as close as people say. I never wanted to make love to them, not dressed as a porcupine or anything else for that matter. If I did say that I must have been drunk, or they were. It was a light-hearted remark. It wasn't supposed to be taken as a threat. But anyway, Sunday newspapers, they were fun while they lasted but what happened was wrong, I know that now possums, my darlings.

As for the future, well I worry that in ten years time we'll all be wearing jet packs and eating roast beef flavoured tablets. Don't you? Like these smart telephones. You can talk to people on the other side of the world? Would you believe it possums? That's where the future lies.

That and those over-arm tidies you get for the sofa where you keep all the TV controls. They're going to revolutionise this industry. You just hang them over the chair and you keep all kinds of things in there. Your glasses, peppermints, the Radio Times if you're a goddam communist and believe in such things. Do you see? That's my take it on anyway, my darlings. Would you like a peppermint? No? Quite right, you shouldn't take sweets from strangers. Thank- you my darlings.

Is this thing off? Do you think they bought it?"